I've had this blog for a few years now, so my writing has changed a lot since I started. I still have many of the same problems as before, like being repetitive, sometimes sounding too cheesy and dramatic, switching from present tense to past tense (and vice versa), and never knowing how to write a good conclusion. But hopefully I've improved at least a little bit.
I'm kind of afraid to go back and read any of my earlier posts, because it's probably a little embarrassing.
I took a long break from writing my stories, so my writing was pretty rusty when I got back to working on them. I struggled with major writer's block for a long time, but now I find it's much easier to write and I'm finally making some progress with the story that I'm working on.
Since I took a break from working on it, the first few chapters aren't nearly as good as the more recent chapters. I'm going to have to completely rewrite the earlier chapters. And I have a lot of plot holes to fix. I also find that my side characters are more interesting than my main characters, but to be fair, the plot twist that makes one of the main characters more interesting doesn't happen until later. One of the things I really need to work on is "show, don't tell".
Sometimes I wonder if anyone would want to read anything I published, because what's popular right now is the Dystopian genre. And that's not really my thing. But hopefully, that will change by the time I publish anything.
I haven't read many books lately. But I have been reading a lot of fanfiction. Yes, I will freely admit to that. I read fanfiction. Lots of it.
Fanfiction is looked down upon by some people, but I think of it as a great way for writers to practice writing. I've actually considered writing fanfiction myself, but the thought kind of terrifies me. I'm not sure I'd be brave enough to put my writing out there like that. But that just proves I need to do it, because how can I be a writer if I'm too afraid to share my writing?
Anyway, from now on, I'm determined to write more. The only way to improve one's writing is to write, so that's exactly what I'm going to do.
The last thing I said in my previous post: "I plan to post much more consistently now that school's over...I hope to catch up this summer by spending much more time updating my stories and as I said, posting more on my blog."
Ha.
Hahahahahaha. Ha.
Soooooo...that didn't really go as planned. Obviously.
The last time I posted anything was months ago. And I didn't post a single thing all summer. I did work on editing my stories, but this blog has been abandoned for a long time now.
I have come to the conclusion that I am not really capable of keeping my word, at least not as far as updating my blog is concerned. So I've decided it's best not to make any promises from hereon out, because I can't really predict when I'll have time to post anything.
Needless to say, I'm a little frustrated with myself for leaving my blog abandoned for so long. Again. To be fair, I've been pretty busy with college ever since the summer break ended. But I have no excuse for not posting all summer. That was a result of sheer laziness, lack of motivation, and a lot of anime-watching.
Over the past few months, I've developed and changed a lot as a person. I've become even more passionate about social issues than I was before, and I've been getting into other stuff. For instance, my friend's roommates at her college have inducted me into the K-pop (Korean pop music) fandom. I mean, I liked K-pop before, but now I'm a full blown fangirl. But it's not my fault K-pop is so addicting. Some things just can't be helped.
I'm still a fan of Jessie J and Lana Del Rey (I remember how I used to gush over them in the early days of this blog), but I've moved on since then and am now exploring other genres, such as the aforementioned K-pop.
Anyway (I'm starting to notice I say that a lot). In other news, I'm starting to wear makeup more often. I never did before, since I have sensitive eyes that sometimes have bad reactions to eye makeup. But lately I've been able to control the reactions. As long as my eyes aren't triggered into reacting, wearing things like mascara and eyeliner don't bother me anymore and I find I am a lot more comfortable with it now. I've wanted to try applying winged eyeliner for a long time now, so I did. This is attempt #2, after a dance performance I had for a hip hop class.
I have freakishly large owlish eyes...
Speaking of hip hop, I have also changed over the past months in the way that I no longer dislike modern dance forms. I find that I've loosened up a lot more in that respect and am more open to other dance styles.
I am also taking Cultural Anthropology, and may be going to Ireland this summer to study castles and the High Kings of Ireland. I haven't been to Ireland in years, so I'm pretty excited about that.
I watched a lot of anime over the summer, as well as the first two seasons of Supernatural (a series I became interested in after seeing so much of it on Tumblr). I've missed Blogger. But Tumblr is more accessible in a way. It takes less energy and motivation to simply like and reblog a post, or publish a short text post, or to scroll through a tag. Posting on Blogger, at least for me, takes a lot more thought and effort. I think part of the reason I've been gone so long is because I lacked the motivation and energy it takes to update. That and college, which has been taking up a lot of my time.
I remember that I used to dislike when people didn't care. Sorry to disappoint Past Me, but I have become just that. I no longer care. And I said goodbye to my motivation a long time ago. High School made sure of that. *shudders* I don't want to think about High School. That was a dark time. But thankfully the past is in the past (haha, I made a Frozen reference...I know, I'm lame).
I have so many posts saved in my drafts that I've wanted to publish for a long time, like a Fault in Our Stars review and my top favorite animated films, but I never got around to any of those. And now, I'm not sure I'll ever get around to them. I will also probably never finish the Doctor Who tag I started a long time ago, since I don't really watch Doctor Who anymore and have moved on from it. But who knows, maybe some day I'll get back to that.
But since I've never been able to muster up enough motivation to work on any of those things, I think it would be better if I just let them go. I'd rather move on and post about the things I'm currently interested in, or else I'd lack motivation in writing. And since I want (or rather, hope) to start posting on my blog again, I'd rather avoid that.
I've missed Blogger and the friends I made here, so I'm glad to be back.
So. A lot has happened in my life lately. For one, I am finally done with high school. I graduated this week, and so did all of my friends. It was a little depressing, actually, because I know I may never see some of them again. Of course I'll keep in touch with my closest friends, but I may never see some of them in person again, which saddens me. I don't know if I should feel happy that I'm no longer a high schooler or horrified that time has gone by so quickly. Anyway. The night before my last day of high school was the worst all-nighter of my entire high school experience, no, scratch that, of my life. I was so stressed out about my exams I had what I think was an anxiety attack or nervous breakdown. Or both. I'm not really sure if there's a difference. But whatever. After the last day of school it felt like all the stress of high school over the years came toppling down on me and I was completely exhausted. I was basically like:
So I'm glad that's all over with. However, I will miss my film class. Film was the class I enjoyed most, not only in my senior year, but in all four years of high school. I enjoyed writing every essay we were assigned to write, especially the last one. For our last essay, we were assigned to write about our favorite film and why we connected to it personally. I chose to write about Frozen. Best. Essay. Ever. I thought such essays were only assigned in dreams. My only complaint was that we were required to write only two to three pages. I had to restrain myself from blabbering on and on, since I had a lot to say. Part of me wanted to talk about Kristoff, Anna, and Hans, but I decided to keep it mostly focused on Elsa's character, since I related to her the most. Another class I enjoyed a lot was Art. I think this was my favorite project out of all the ones I did, even though I ran out of time to do the background:
Drawn with pastel
In other news, I adopted two cats from a cat shelter. One is a boy named Pirate. I decided not to change his name, since it had a nice ring to it and I had gotten so used to attaching that name to him. He had gotten skin cancer from being a street cat and being exposed to too much sun on a daily basis. The cancer spread around one of his eyes, so it had to be taken out, as well as one of his ears. The vet said nothing more could be done, and she wasn't sure how much longer he has to live. He is bursting with personality, though, and is one of the most loving animals I've ever befriended. I'm not looking forward to when I'll have to say goodbye, but I think giving him the chance to experience life outside the shelter before he goes is worth it. He's not too fond of my rough collies, though. It's kind of funny, my dogs seem eager to befriend my cats, but my cats simply ignore them by turning their back, and act completely indifferent when they're not hissing them. At least, Pirate's like that. The other cat I adopted, Esmeralda, is very inexperienced. She's much shyer than Pirate - Pirate adapted very quickly, in fact he settled in on the first day. Esmeralda was in the shelter for a long time. I think this may be why she is so fearful of everything, because she doesn't know what to expect. She's warming up to me, though. She also went up to one of my dogs and kind of booped him on the nose. I named her Esmeralda because of her green eyes (she reminded me of the Disney character from The Hunchback of Notre Dame, since she has green eyes too). I got a picture of Pirate on his first day out of the shelter, and I would have gotten one of Esmeralda too, but she was pretty camera shy.
Pirate on his first day out of the shelter
Pirate's eyes are huge and golden-colored. He makes me think of Edward Elric from Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. I mean, his eyes even have a similar shape:
I've been watching a lot of Anime. It's all my friend's fault. I think the first Anime I watched may have been Shingeki no Kyojin/Attack on Titan, but really, it all started when she suggested I watch Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood (which is now my favorite Anime). So I guess it's her fault I've developed a crush on Roy Mustang.
Every time I see Roy in an episode...
It might seem weird to crush on a fictional character, but hey, I'm already weird anyways. My friend even drew a mini Roy for me as a birthday present.
Well, now that I think about it, my interest in Anime really began when I watched the sequel series to Avatar: The Last Airbender, The Legend of Korra. Now I've seen so many, like Ouran High School Host Club, Attack on Titan, Fairy Tail, Kimi ni Todoke, and others. I've also been watching more Studio Ghibli movies, like Grave of the Fireflies, which is a very sad film about World War II, and Howl's Moving Castle, which I love to bits. I'm really thankful to my friend for showing me the world of Anime, because now I know more about Japanese culture, which I hadn't known very much about before. She's also been teaching me some Japanese - she even taught me how to pronounce the first few lines of my favorite opening theme song from Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, which is a really beautiful song. It's called "Again", by Yui.
And then here's an English cover of Again that I like:
I made another one of my friends watch Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood after I finished watching it, because it was so good. Now we both ship Edwin (Ed x Winry) and Royai (Roy x Riza).
One of my favorite Edwin moments: "It's your hands, they weren't meant to kill. They're meant to give life. That's why."
One of my favorite Royai moments: "I've done it again, I've hurt you."
Well, that's what's been going on with me. I plan to post much more consistently now that school's over. I haven't been writing much in general, which worries me. I hope to catch up this summer by spending much more time updating my stories and as I said, posting more on my blog.
I have never felt a sense of belonging in North America. Even though I was born here, my family's origins are in Western Europe, and throughout my life I have been influenced by Irish and Scottish culture. My Irish cousins keep expecting me to be Americanized, but I’m not. In fact, I couldn’t be less Americanized. Yes, some of the expressions I use are American, and I call my mother “mom” instead of “mum”, but otherwise, I have never really felt at home here.
I hate the feeling of being uprooted. I have always wanted to return to my roots, to where I belong. I want to live in a country where I can feel completely myself and at home, somewhere I don’t have to wear a hat and put on sunscreen all the time, somewhere the weather is more agreeable to me, somewhere I feel a cultural and emotional connection to, and somewhere I understand.
Ireland
I feel almost no connection to North America. Of course, there are places I will always remember, because much of my childhood took place here, but I still have always felt out of place in this country. You can take an Irish girl out of Ireland, but you can’t take Ireland out of an Irish girl. That's how I feel about it.
Ireland is in my blood. Irish people "have a love for the land", and to be separated from it is painful. Like my family, I can't feel completely whole without it. It's a part of me, and there's no getting away from that.
"It's my field. It's my child. I nursed it. I nourished it. I saw to its every want. I dug the rocks out of it with my bare hands and I made a living thing of it! My only want is that green grass, that lovely green grass, and you want to take it away from me, and in the sight of God I can't let you do that!" - The Field (1990)
Richard Harris in The Field (1990).
My homesickness has only increased more and more over the years. Lately, it has reached the point where it is nearly unbearable. I know now that I will move to Ireland at some point in my life, and live there. I don’t want to stay stuck in North America forever – I’ve got to go home at some point. The question is when? Should I go before or after University? (Because my mom is Irish and Scottish-Canadian, I sometimes refer to College as University out of habit.)
So, I discussed this subject with my mom, and she made some very good points. If I want to move to Ireland, it’s better to go sooner, while I’m young, rather than later. When my mom was young, she wanted to go to Ireland too, but they wouldn’t let her in. At that time, Ireland didn’t have enough jobs for everyone. They wouldn’t let anyone into their country. That was why my dad left Ireland – he came to America for a job. Many people were leaving Ireland to find jobs at that time. Now, it’s different. I can go to Ireland. The first step is getting my Irish citizenship with help from my dad.
My mom pointed something else out, which I have been considering. Perhaps I should visit Ireland first, and see if I would really want to live there? Maybe America has become my home now, and I would feel homesick all over again when I got to Ireland? Of course, I’ve been to Ireland more than once, to visit my relatives, but actually living in Ireland might take some getting used to. This is actually a terrifying concept to me. What if I can never feel at home anywhere? I could end up feeling homesick no matter where I go.
I clearly remember Ireland, and how at home I felt there, and I’ll always remember how much I did not feel at home here. I believe that moving to Ireland is the right choice for me. The only downside is the separation from my mom's side of the family, though I would have my dad’s side of the family in Ireland. Although, however much I love my dad’s side, my mom’s side are the people I have grown up with, and the thought of leaving them saddens me.
So you could say I am going through an uncertain phase in my life right now. But really, when you get down to it, it's all very simple - I just want to go home.
